Peter J. Jessen

"Goals Per Action" Success Consultant

peterjj@peterjessen-gpa.com · peterjjgpa@icloud.com · 9931 SW 61st Ave., Portland, OR 97219 · Tel: 503.977.3240 · Fax: 503.977.3239

Classes Based on Stephen Covey's, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Two class series — one for adults and one for teens — based on Stephen Covey and Sean Covey's books

THE 7 HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE FAMILIES: BUILDING A BEAUTIFUL FAMILY CULTURE IN A TURBULENT WORLD

Compiled and outlined by Peter Jessen
April 19, 1998

Posted May 2014:
www.peterjessen-gpa.com
http://www.peterjessen-gpa.com/pages/coveyclasses.html

May 14, 21, 28, and June 4, 2014.
St. Luke Lutheran Church

ABOUT THE SERIES

The Text:  The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families:  Building a Beautiful Family Culture in a Turbulent World, by Stephen R. Covey.

The Times:  Wednesday Church Night, 7-8 pm, Wednesdays, Jan. 7 - Feb. 18, 1998.

The Question:  “How can we, parents and teens, inspire each other to stay motivated to work on developing and keeping the best habits possible to enable us to grow the best relationship possible with each other, now and throughout our lives?”  We will answer with thought provoking "slogans" and "sound bites."

The Focus:  Maintaining relationships through Reconciliation and Conflict Resolution:  Hannah Arendt's The power of promise to overcome unpredictability and chaos; the power of forgiveness to overcome the irreversibility of human actions:  words and deeds. 

The Format:  openning presentation (overview & new material); one of a variety of small group discussion formats, following the discussion pages at the end of each Covey chapter:  “Sharing This Chapter with Adults and Teens,” and “Sharing This Chapter with Children.”  After discussion groups we will gather to share insights.  Each week is designed to be a self-contained, stand alone session, so that you can attend as many as possible and still understand and follow, with or without your parent or teen.  Are are urged to keep a journal on your thinking/emotions during this series.

The collateral materials:  The presentations will include insights from other books, especially:   Everyday Blessings:  The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting, by Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn;  The Intentional Family: How to Build Family Ties in Our Modern World, by William J. Doherty, which Mary Pipher, author of Reviving Ophelia, calls “A home improvement manual for the modern family;” and Secrets of Strong Families, by Nick Stinnett and John DeFrain.  See handout listing other works.

The influence of people and books:  Charlie “Tremendous” Jones, a famous motivational speaker and author, says:   “You’re the same person today you will be five years from now except for two things:  the people you meet and the books you read.”

The Challenge:   Balancing the relative realities of culture (and, in Mary Pipher's term, its “family-hurting” parts) through community building, seeking fulfillment through developing character/purpose/meaning/love, and not through material manipulation.  A number of books/guides will be discussed.  They will be seen differently by each person, each family.  Read the ones that "grab" your fancy, and read/enact them through two means of focussing your inner mind and soul:  smile and breathe.

Problem/Opportunity Indexpp. 371-377.  Index in six areas(1) Personal,
(2) Marriage, (3) Family, (4) Parenting, (5) Intergenerational and Extended family, and
(6) Society issues.  Listed in three ways:  CAPITALIZED entries represent entire chapters or sections; italicized  enries represent stories; normal text refer to ideas on specified pages.  There is also a “Problem/Opportunity Index” in the 1990 fireside edition of The 7 Habiats of Highly Effective People, but not in the original 1989 Simon and Schuster edition.


The Schedule: 

Week 1:             Wednesday, January 5, 1998: 
•   Like airplanes:You’re Going to Be ‘Off Track’ 90% of the Time.  So What?” pp. 3-8
•   Using the "Problem/Opportunity Index," pp. 371-377
•   Habit 1:  Be Proactive, pp. 27-69 
           •   “Becoming an Agent of change in Your Family”
           •   “Habit 1:  Be Proactive:  be responsible:  the most fundamental decision of all”
•   Key question for Habit 1:  “Are my actions based upon self-chosen values or upon my moods, feelings, and circumstances?”
•   “The five human gifts:  self-awareness, conscience, imagination, independent will, sense of humor.
•   “Freedom to choose response to stimulus.”
•   "Emotional Bank Account:  Deposits and Withdrawals"
•   “The Cirle of Influence and the Circle of Concern”
•   “Love, Apologizing, Being Loyal to those Not Present, Making and Keeping Promises, Forgiving”
•   “The Primary Laws of Love:  acceptance, understanding, participation.”
•   “The Primary Laws of Life:  honesty, responsibility, integrity, service.”
•   “The Chinese Bamboo Tree”  -  patience will out

   •   Habit 1:  Collateral Material

           •   Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
•   James W. Pennebaker, Editor, Emotion, Disclosure, & Health
•   Peter L. Berger, “The Social Construction of the Family”
•   Sullivan & Harper's Hope is Not a Method.  But Action Is!
•   Victor Frankl:  “The Last Freedom:  Choice of Attitude”

Week 2:  Wednesday, January 14, 1998: 
•   Habit 2:  Begin With The End In Mind, pp. 70-112
        •   “Developing a Family Mission Statement”
•   Key question for Habit 2:  “Have I written a personal mission statement which provides meaning,purpose, and direction to my life?  Do my actions flow from my mission?"    “What will your life be about?  Your Mission Statement.”

Week 3:  Wednesday, January 21, 1998: 
•   Habit 3:  Put First Things First, pp. 113-168
        •   “Making Family a Priority in a Turbulent World”
•   Key question for Habit 3:  “AmI able to say no to the unimportant, no matter how urgent, and yes to the important?"   “The tactical:  how to make ‘first things’ happen.”

Week 4:  Wednesday, January 28, 1998: 
•   Habit 4:  Think “Win-Win”, pp. 169-200
•   “Moving from ‘Me’ to ‘We.’”    
“From ‘win-lose’ or ‘lose-win’ to ‘win-win’ with ‘win-win agreeents’.”
•   Key question for Habit 4:  "Am I able to say no to the unimportant, no matter how urgent, and yes to the important?"  “The root  habit:  mutual benefit, Golden Rule.” 

Week 5:  Wednesday, February 4, 1998: 
•   Habit 5:  Seek First to Understand ... Then to be Understood, pp. 201-246
        •   "Solving Family Problems Through Empathic Communication.”  
•   Key question for Habit 5:  "Do I avoid autobiograpical rresponses and instead faithlully reflect my understanding of the other person before seeking to be understood?"    “This is the route  habit:  method, pathway to interdependent action.”
Week 6:  Wednesday, February 11, 1998: 
•   Habit 6:  Synergize, pp. 247-275
        •   "Building Family Unity Through Celebrating Differences"
•   Key question for Habit 6:  "Do I value different opinions, viewpoints, and perspectives of others when seeking solutions?" 
Week 7:  Wednesday, February 18, 1998: 
•   Habit 7:  Sharpen the Saw, pp. 276-312
        •   “Renewing the Family Spirit Through Traditions”
•   Key question for Habit 7:  “Am I engaged in continuous improvement in the physical, mental, spiritual, and social/’emotional dimensions of my life?”


Collateral Material to
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, by Stephen R. Covey

Week 1:  Wednesday, January 5, 1998: 

   •   Habit 1:  Be Proactive, pp. 27-69
•   Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
•   James W. Pennebaker, Editor, Emotion, Disclosure, & Health
•   Peter L. Berger, “The Social Construction of the Family”
•   Sullivan & Harper's Hope is Not a Method.  But Action Is!
•   Victor Frankl:  “The Last Freedom:  Choice of Attitude”

Week 2:  Wednesday, January 14, 1998: 

   •   Habit 2:  Begin With The End In Mind, pp. 70-112
•   NickStinnett and John DeFrain:  Secrets of Strong Families
•   Affirmation and Self Talk

Week 3:  Wednesday, January 21, 1998: 

   •   Habit 3:  Put First Things First, pp. 113-168
•   Stephen R. Covey, First Things First
•   Affirmation, Positive Self-Talk, and Altruistic Selfishness
•   Founding Father lists:  Benjamin Franklin's list of virtues, his "governing values", and George Washington's list of "rules of courtesy".
•   Transcending magic:  The Practical Utility of Making Lists (Meichenbaum & Turks, Facilitating Treatment Adherence  [Increase adherence (following) of advice given (50-80% of patients in health care settings don’t) by establishing and following lists of what to do (also:  how & when).]

Week 4:  Wednesday, January 28, 1998: 

   •   Habit 4:  Think “Win-Win”, pp. 169-200
•   Conflict Resolution Matrix (Collaboration (win-win) vs. Accommodation (lose-win), avoidance (lose-lose), Control (win-lose), Compromise (win and lose)
•   Roger Fisher and William Ury, Getting to Yes:  Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In, and Roger Fisher and Scott Brown, Getting Together:  Building a Relationship That Gets To YES

Week 5:  Wednesday, February 4, 1998: 

   •   Habit 5:  Seek First to Understand ... Then to be Understood, pp. 201-246
•   Friedman's caveat about empathy vs. compassion
•   Maintaining a "non-anxious prescence," EdwinH. Friedman, Generation to Generation:  Family Process in Church and Synagogue
•   Redford Williams, M.D. and Virginia Williams, Anger Kills:  Seventeen Strategies for Controlling the Hostility That Can Harm Your Health.,          
•   SELF TALK, by Brian Nystrom, from his upcoming book, “Ordinary People, Extraordinary Marriages”:  for any negative situation, apply “Self Talk” (which includes prayer:  “God Talk”; in Kenneth Pelletier's phrase, "Mind as Healer & Mind as Slayer)
•   Jon Kabat-Zinn, Full Catastrophe Living:  Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness
•   Robert M. Sapolsky, Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers:  A Guide to Stress, Stress-Related Diseases, and Coping

Week 6:  Wednesday, February 11, 1998: 

   •   Habit 6:  Synergize, pp. 247-275
•   Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn, Everyday Blessings:  The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting
•   James W. Pennebaker, Editor, Emotion, Disclosure, & Health  [Respond to emotional upheavals by talking/writing about it (prayer, journals, “self talk”; talk with trusted parents, pastor, counselor, teacher, siblings, friends, etc.]
•   Martin E.P. Seligman, “Learned Optimism:  How to Change Your Mind & Your Life
REVIVING OPHELIA:  Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls, Mary Pipher

Boys will be Boys:  Breaking the Link Between Masculinity and Violence, Myriam Miedzian

Taking Responsibility:  Self-Reliance and the Accountable Life, Nathaniel Branden.
“Our burden/challenge/glory as humans is that we can choose to think or not, to live responsibly or not” (in the school of life, don’t blame the teachers because our responses are our choices).  Ask, about any behavior, “Am I confident that this is the way I want to invest my time and life?”

Week 7:  Wednesday, February 18, 1998: 

   •   Habit 7:  Sharpen the Saw, pp. 276-312
•   “From Survival...to Stability...to success...to Significance, pp. 313-364
•   Stephen R. Covey, Principle Centered Leadership
•   Blaine Lee, Covey Leadership Center, The Power Principle:  Influence With Honor
•   Bill Doherty, The Intentional Family:  How to Build Family Ties in Our Modern World
•   Mary Pipher, The Shelter of Each Other:  Rebuilding Our Families
•   Mary Pipher, Reviving Ophelia:  Rescuing:  Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls
•   Mary Pipher, Hunger Pains:  The Modern Woman's Tragic Quest for Thinness
•   Victor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning ("The Case for a Tragic Optimism")
•   James O Prochaska, John C. Norcross, Carlo C. DiClemente, Changing For Good:   The Revolutionary Program That Explains the Six Stages of Change and Teaches You How to Free Yourself From Bad Habits
•   "Foolish Freedom," Prochaska, Norcross, and DiClemente
•   "Culture of Liberty," Peter Berger
•   LISTS in the Bible:  Sermon on the Mount, Matthew 5-7 (Beatitudes; concerning anger; love for enemies; judging others; golden rule);  St. Paul on how to treat each other, I Corrinthians 13 (without love we are noisy gongs; gain nothing without love; be patient, kind, not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude; don’t insist on own way; rejoice in truth; bear ... hope ... and endure all things; put an end to childish ways; greatest of faith,hope, & love:   love).
•   Books of Lists by Sam Deep and Lyle Sussman:
                 Yes You Can!  1,200 Inspiring Ideas for Work, Home, and Happiness
•   Smart Moves For People in Charge:  130 Checklists to Help you be a Better Leader
•   What to Say to Get What You Want:  [Lists of] Strong Words for 44 Challenging Types of Bossess, Employees, Coworkers, and Customers
•   Harold Bloomfield and Robert K. Cooper, The Power of 5:  [Lists of] 5-Second to 5-Minute Shortcuts to Burn Fat, Stop Aging and Revitalize Your Love Life
•   Hal Urban, 20 Things I Want My Kids to Know:  Passing on Life's Greatest Lessons
•   Peter Jessen on "How to Bust a Divorce, Renew and Save a Marriage," 60 plus pages of annotated list of books, an on-going work in progress begun November 1996.

 

=====================

 

OTHER RESOURCES, RESEARCH

Anger Kills:  Seventeen Strategies for Controlling the Hostility That Can Harm Your Health., Redford Williams, M.D. and Virginia Williams, Ph.D.

Many relationships founder on an inability to argue correctly.  Here are 17 strategies for communicating lovingly, not with anger and hostility, which you can use to help yourself and/or others to change.  Carry this LIST of 17 strategies with you:  (1) reason with yourself [self talk]; (2) stop hostile thoughts/feelings/urges, (3) distract yourself, (4) meditate, (5) avoid overstimulation, (6) assert yourself,  (7) care for a pet, (8) listen! (9) practice trusting others, (10) take on community service, (11) increase your empathy, (12) be tolerant, (13) forgive, (14) have a confidant, (15) laugh at yourself,   (16) become more religious, (17) pretend today is your last [and behave accordingly].

 

Changing For Good:   The Revolutionary Program That Explains the Six Stages of Change and Teaches You How to Free Yourself From Bad Habits,  James O Prochaska, John C. Norcross, Carlo C. DiClemente.
“The real solution:  spending time and energies on self-enhancing activities, committing to live life to its fullest while preventing behaviors that short-circuit your endeavors”; don’t “find it easy to give up on yourself”; thus, “as long as you act on your potential to change, you will discover that even the darkest days will end and the most tempting situations will pass” (p. 279).  “Our fullest freedom emerges when we have the opportunity to choose that which would enhance our life, our sense of self, and our society” (p. 286). 

SELF TALK, by Brian Nystrom, from his upcoming book, “Ordinary People, Extraordinary Marriages”:  for any negative situation, apply “Self Talk” (which includes prayer:  “God Talk”)
in one column:                                           in 2nd column
[distorted/negative/irrational]                        [balance/truth]
                        List:

        •   Ask God to help imprint the truth, right column, in your mind
•   Practice reviewing and telling yourself the truth (right column) several times a day
•   When distorted/negative/irrational thoughts occurs, immediately dispute this with the truth from the right column

“Learned Optimism:  How to Change Your Mind and Your Life,” Martin E.P. Seligman
Flexible optimism:  (do Self-Talk with God Talk:  see above)
Do your ABC’s:  ABCDE’s (Keep a daily record)

            Adversity                       What happened:  (example:  he/she yelled at; called names)
Belief                            What it means:  he/she hates me; he/she thinks I’m no good
Consequences                 Feel sad; feel unworthy; feel its my fault
Disputation                    Yelling does not = hate; he/she does it to others;
I may have contributed & if so, I can quit contributing (choice);
He/she may be having a bad day; I know that is not me.
Energization                   Feel bad about it, but I can go on, not fee bad;
Express your emotion that it makes you feel sad;
Forgive the yelling, promise each other you won’t
do what helped lead to the yelling/name calling

 

Stages of Change and Change Process Techniques for Achieving Change

 

                     STAGE             1                  2                3                  4                5             Re- 6
                                                                                                                                       lapse          
Pre-                                                                                         and          Goal:
Contem-        Contem-      Prepara-                           Mainten-        Re- Termina-
plation         plation         tion Action     ance               cycle tion
PROCESS                                                                                                                                                       

Consciousness
Raising                                   √                  √                                                                         √
                                                                                                                                                                       

Social
Liberation                                √                  √                √                 √                                    √
                                                                                                                                                                       

Emotional
Arousal                                                       √                √                                                       √
                                                                                                                                                                       

Self
Re-evaluation                                               √                √                                   √                  √
                                                                                                                                                                       

Commitment                                                                 √                 √                √                  √
                                                                                                                                                                       

Countering                                                                                       √                √                  √
                                                                                                                                                                       

Environmental
Control                                                                                            √                √                  √
                                                                                                                                                                       

Reward                                                                                            √                √                  √
                                                                                                                                                                       

Helping
Relationships                                                                                    √                √                  √
                                                                                                                                                                       

Terminationthat which distinguishes terminators from lifetime maintainers or lifetime relapse-recyclers:
(p. 276-279)                     a new self image
   perceive no temptation in any situation to return to old habit(s)
   solid self-efficacy
   a healthier life style

“The real solution:  spending time and energies on self-enhancing activities, committing to live life to its fullest while preventing behaviors that short-circuit your endeavors” such as “believing that life is passing you by” and that you thus “find it easy to give up on yourself.”  Thus, “as long as you act on your potential to change, you will discover that even the darkest days will end and the most tempting situations will pass” (p. 279).

FOOLISH FREEDOM:  “Too many people cannot control their media-fueled desires, seek[ing] fulfillment in external objects.  ...  It seems the only freedom we can achieve is negative--freedom from the demands of others” (p. 283).  Thus, foolish freedom is reactive--reacting just to keep from being controlled or reacting to immediate consequences.  Responsible freedom is interactive--interacting with feedback and information about how changing our behavior can be beneficial to ourselves and to others.  Responsible freedom is when you choose to change for the best of reasons, regardless of what you were conditioned to do, what you feel compelled to do, or what is most immediately gratifying to do.  Our fullest freedom emerges when we have the opportunity to choose that which would enhance our life, our sense of self, and our society” (p. 286). 

Created from pp. 33 and 54 of Changing For Good:   The Revolutionary Program That Explains the Six Stages of change and Teaches You How to Free Yourself From Bad Habits,  James O Prochaska, John C. Norcross, Carlo C. DiClemente, William Morrow and Co., New York, 1994.

=====================

Compiled, outlined, and led by Peter J. Jessen, April 19, 1998
POSTED May 2014:  www.peterjessen-gpa.com
http://www.peterjessen-gpa.com/pages/coveyclasses.html